Jeremy Kyle A Merlin Special
by footshooter
Summary: Ever think that your daughter trying to kill you is getting out of hand? That the bickering is becoming too much? Well who better to solve it than good old Jezza Kyle? T for language. I don't own Merlin or Jeremy Kyle. It's all just a bit of fun.


**Jezza Kyle:** Hello and welcome to today's show, which is titled: My Ward has turned into a psycho bitch from… Hang on, who wrote this autocue? It's not that, it's: My ward whom I hath protected and provided for is trying to killeth me.

_[Jezza looks confused]_

**Jezza:** so, anyway… Let's get them out here and try to fix this! Please welcome to the stage Uther Pendragon and his ward Morgana le Fay.

_[Morgana and Uther come on to the stage looking all regal (as they do) and sit in chairs as far apart from each other as possible (it's set out with 2 on one side and 2 on the other). Morgana looks haughty and glares at Uther, who doesn't look at her.]_

**Jezza:** So, let me get this straight. She's trying to kill you?

_[Uther nods]_

**Jezza:** Why are you trying to kill him?

_[Morgana sniffs, then glares.]_

**Morgana:** I wouldn't expect you to understand.

**Jezza:** try us.

**Morgana:** it's complicated.

**Jezza:** you're trying to _kill _this man. The man who has brought you up and kept you under his roof, and, for goodness sake, stood in for your father.

_[Morgana's nostrils flare, and she does the glare of death]_

**Morgana:** oh, has he?

**Uther:** yes, I have.

**Morgana:** and what else? Not listened to me? Killed hundreds of innocent people? Put me in the dungeons?

_[The audience gasps and mutters. Uther waves his hand vaguely.]_

**Uther:** oh, that was one time! Let it go...

_[The muttering increases.]_

**Morgana:** it hurt my wrists!

**Jezza:** is this true?

**Uther:** yes. But I let her off many more times than that.

**Jezza:** you can't go around putting your stepdaught- ward… in chains and a dungeon.

**Uther:** it was the nice part of the dungeon.

**Morgana:** oh that makes it so much better.

**Jezza:** and how many times have you tried to kill him?

_[Morgana looks away]_

**Uther:** she isn't very good at it.

**Morgana:** someone keeps getting in my way!

**Jezza:** good! That's a good thing!

**Morgana:** it isn't.

_[Jezza sighs and puts his hand over his eyes.]_

**Jezza:** I see we have a definite problem here. Let's bring out Uther's son, Arthur. Everyone welcome Arthur Pendragon.

_[The audience claps, and Arthur waves, sitting down next to Uther]_

**Jezza:** Arthur, what do you think of how your father has treat Morgana?

**Arthur:** well, I don't see anything wrong with it. He's a lot easier on her than he is on me.

**Morgana:** he doesn't throw you in the dungeons!

_[Arthur looks confused]_

**Arthur:** yes he does.

**Jezza:** oh, so at least he doesn't discriminate then!

**Uther:** of course not.

**Jezza:** can you repeat for Arthur why you feel the need to attempt to kill Uther?

**Morgana:** BECAUSE HE'S A *BEEEEEEP*

_[Jezza rolls his eyes]_

{**Jezza:** language…

**Uther:** I brought you up better!  
><strong>Arthur:<strong> Don't call my father that!} _– all at once._

**Morgana:** He is my father too!

_[The audience gasps]_

**Arthur:** Father?

**Jezza:** Uther?

_[Uther nods]_

**Morgana:** Like I said, complete *BEEEEP*

**Uther:**Oi! I am the King of Camelot; you cannot speak to me like that.

**Morgana:** I'll speak to you how I like!

**Uther:** Morgana! What has gotten into you lately? _[He sounds hurt]_

**Arthur:** Time of the month, father.

**Uther, Morgana, Jezza:** ARTHUR! _[Disapproving, shocked and exasperated, respectively.]_

**Jezza:** we're not getting anywhere here…

**Uther:** I'm beginning to suspect magic is involved…

_[Arthur sighs]_

**Arthur:** change the record, father.

_[Uther looks completely confused. He would. Records haven't been invented yet.]_

**Uther:** I'm sorry?

**Arthur:** why didn't you tell me?

**Uther:** I couldn't…

**Arthur:** for goodness sake father, I'm your son, you could have told me!

**Morgana:** I'm his daughter! Do you not think I have more of a right to know than you do?

**Arthur:** you don't have the right to know anything! You keep trying to bump him off all the time!

**Morgana:** and you can see why!

**Arthur:** … no, actually, I can't.

_[Morgana laughs]_

**Jezza:** We do actually have someone else to bring on...

**Arthur & Morgana:** Who?

**Jezza:** Arthur's best friend -

**Arthur:** Manservant.

**Jezza:** Merlin!

_[The audience claps again and Merlin ambles out, grinning. He sits down next to Arthur.]_

**Jezza:** Merlin, what do you think about all of this?

_[Morgana glares at Merlin. Merlin glares back (you know the one, the one where he looks like he's pissing himself laughing)]_

**Merlin:** well. First of all…

_[Arthur raises his eyebrows]_

**Merlin:** she tried to kill me!

**Jezza:** what?

**Arthur:** seriously Morgana, what the hell is wrong with you?

**Morgana:** he-!

**Arthur:** he what?

**Morgana:** he keeps stopping me!

**Arthur:** Merlin does?

_[Arthur laughs]_

**Merlin:** he's always like this. I get no thanks.

_[Jezza looks sympathetic.]_

**Arthur:** what, really?

**Merlin & Morgana:** yes!

**Arthur: **Merlin?

**Merlin & Morgana: **yes!

**Arthur: **_my _Merlin?

**Merlin & Morgana: **yes!

**Merlin: **what?

**Uther: **my dear boy... _[Reaches across and pats Merlin on the arm. Merlin looks bemused]_

**Arthur:** wow. You must be more useless than I thought, Morgana.

_[Morgana reaches across to slap Arthur, misses, and hits Merlin instead.]_

**Merlin:** OW!

**Arthur:** Morgana!

_[Morgana glares]_

**Jezza:** We'll have none of that!

**Morgana:** I'm sorry I hit your _boyfriend_,Arthur.

_[Uther splutters]_

**Arthur:** he's not my _boyfriend_!

**Merlin:** that really hurt!

**Arthur:** girlfriend, if anything…

**Merlin:** oi!

**Uther:** ARTHUR!

**Jezza:** this isn't a show on coming out of the closet…

**Merlin:** neither of us are _in_ the closet!

**Morgana:** they've been out for ages.

**Arthur:** we're not gay together, Jeremy.

**Jezza:** that's not what we're here to discuss. But you can come back next week…

**Arthur:** I'M NOT GAY!

**Merlin:** neither am I. I had a girlfriend once. Ah, dear Freya. She was a big panther with wings by night, but very beautiful in the day...

_[Jezza raises an eyebrow and sighs. Arthur looks shocked]_

**Arthur: **you had a girlfriend?

**Merlin: **yes. What's so surprising about that?

**Arthur: **you?

**Merlin: **well you're always with Gwen!

**Morgana: **_[smirk] _now, now boys. Have your domestics at home.

**Uther: **Arthur? What is she saying?_  
><em>

**Jezza:** _[cutting across]_ Morgana's sister Morgeuse is also here.

**Uther:** SORCERER! KILL HER!

**Merlin:** Sorcerer, where?

**Arthur:** Merlin, Morgeuse. We KNOW she is a sorcerer.

**Merlin:** Oh, yes. Of course. _[Cough]_

**Jezza:** something tells me it's not the best of ideas to bring her out…

**Merlin:** no, I wouldn't. We don't have enough chairs, for one.

**Uther:** GUARDS!

**Morgana:** you're not in Camelot_ now_ Uther. You can't get people killed here.

**Uther:** why are you sticking up for the sorcerer, Morgana?

**Morgana:** oh, I don't know.

**Uther:** has she put a curse upon you?

**Morgana:** no! Of course she hasn't! She cares for me.

**Uther:** sorcerers care for no one!

**Morgana:** oh, really? You don't know what she's done for me.

**Merlin:** I do. She tried to kill me, for one. And she keeps helping your attempts to thwart Uther.

_[Morgana stares at Merlin]_

**Arthur:** Morgana's staring at you.

**Merlin:** I'm aware of that, Arthur.

**Arthur:** If looks could kill….

**Merlin:** I'd be dead, yes. Shame they can't actually, she might have a better turnover rate… GET DOWN!

_[Morgana shoots an eye-bolt death ray at Merlin]_

**Arthur & Uther:**SHE'S A SORCERER?

**Jezza:** STOP TRYING TO KILL EACH OTHER!

_[They all glare at him]_

**Jezza:** Oh for... WE'RE GOING TO A BREAK! And to think I turned down Eastenders and Coronation Street for this!


End file.
